A dad of three from Stoke-on-Trent has vowed that this year he “honestly, definitely, really” will leave “at least some” sweets for Trick or Treaters on the 31st October. 37-year-old HR executive Dave Smuggins held a conference around the breakfast table in the family semi this morning, where he admitted “regrettable failings” in recent years, including 2022 when, he admitted, he polished off two family tubs of Celebrations before school hometime on Halloween.
Regrets
With a grim face and obviously fighting back tears, Smuggins admitted that he had a problem with avoiding multipacks of sugary treats in the house, discussing his compulsion to fill his giant gobhole with handfuls of chocolates and sweets. “It’s a weakness,” he admitted, “I try to be good and usually all we have is a packet of slightly stale Ryvita in the cupboard, but the preparations for Halloween mean that Donna (Dave’s wife) buys all kinds of goodies. I just cannot resist digging in.”
In an emotional confession, Smuggins recalled last year’s incident, and the adverse effect his chocolate binge facilitated.
“I had to pretend I was busy in the home office when the children came home because I couldn’t face them seeing me in that state, shirt buttons burst open and Bounty coconut stuck all over my beard. No child should see their dad like that.”
However, things went from bad to worse. “The kids went out with Donna to do their own Trick or Treating and I shouted down that I’d stay in to deal with the fancy dress hordes st our house. But there was nothing left to give them when they knocked. So I had to turn out the lights and cower in the airing cupboard for two-and-a-half hours, with only Bargain Hunt on iPlayer on my phone for company.”
Pledge
However, Dave has vowed to change his ways this Halloween and ensure that the same situation does not arise again. “I understand that I have done wrong,” he admitted, “so I will make a real effort this time around.”
He gave evidence that he had turned over a new leaf. “I have been in aversion training since Easter, working intensely with an abstinence coach,” he said, “I visit him three nights a week and in the sessions he places an open bag of Haribo in the middle of the room. I have to see how long I can leave it without scoffing the lot.”
“Of course, as soon as I touch the packet, he runs over and kicks me square in the family jewels. And, after a few weeks, I’d managed to go a whole 27 seconds before I grabbed the sweets. So I think I’m on the right track.”
“This year, I guarantee that there will be treats left for Trick or Treaters at our house. Not all the sweets, but most of them. Some of them. A couple. Possibly. Look, I’m only human.”
Family
The Smuggins family rallied around their emotional patriarch, offering their support. Daughter Stephanie told the press that she would love her father, no matter what. “I am 100% behind dad,” the eight-year-old stated, “as long as he stops nicking the chips off my plate at tea time. It really hacks me off. I cannot stand it. It makes me so cross. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger…” before being ushered out of the room by her mum.
In heartwarming scenes, Dave thanked his family profusely for their backing before they left him alone with the assembled journalist. When the interview was wrapped up, Dave summed up by saying, “I guarantee I will not eat all of the sweets that are meant for visiting children this year!” before turning around, walking away and muttering, “I’ll wait for my kids to come back and scoff their Trick or Treat goodies instead.”
At this point, the journalist reminded him that he was still miked up, resulting in Dave darting to the airing cupboard and slamming the door behind him until the reporter grew bored and went home.
