Christmas is for spending time with family, whatever that looks like for you, but what if you’re feeling slightly apprehensive about seeing people you just know will ask intrusive questions?
Queries like ‘Are you going to have any more kids?’, ‘Why aren’t you two married?’, ‘Why are you still renting and not buying?’ from parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles or wider family members, are at best, irritating and insulting, and at worse, triggering and upsetting. People often asked with the best intentions, but they have no idea of the struggles you might have had or the dynamics of your life that mean you would rather talk about anything but them.
So, how do you protect your mental health and your privacy, whilst also keeping the peace at Christmas?
A soft + friendly reminder to mind your business this holiday season
Asking when are they having a baby, when are you going to have another kid and when are you going to get married are inappropriate questions
You are not invited into people’s bedrooms.
— Natania • Business Coach + Marketer (@NataniaCreates) December 13, 2022
Here are some suggestions for dealing with intrusive questions.
Intrusive questions – coping mechanisms
Answer the question with a question
One of those unintentionally probing questions that parents like to ask is ‘are you happy?’. On the surface is can seem harmless enough. But happiness is a generic term for a complicated spectrum and you might not feel comfortable going into detail.
Your best bet is to answer the question by saying, ‘Do I not seem happy?’ Because if you answer a question with a question, they have to think about that answer. You could say, “‘Oh, do I not seem happy? Am I giving you the wrong impression? I’m very happy’.
That puts the onus on the asker to realise that they’re being actually rather invasive. It’s a very skilful way of not offending an elderly relative who doesn’t know better, but also not feeling that you have to talk about matters you would rather stay private.
Focus on gratitude and positivity
You get married and someone asks, ‘Are you having a baby? Then, ‘When are you having another one?’ It’s almost like not allowing you to enjoy where you are.
You could reply, ‘I’m enjoying just being married and having this job, or just having one little toddler’. Or, ‘I’m not in a hurry for another child, I’m really loving where I am – I just want to enjoy this moment’
Politely set boundaries
If the question is very triggering for you, you might want to ensure the discussion is shut down immediately.
You can absolutely say, ‘That’s not something I feel like discussing today, or right now’. Particularly at Christmas, you want to get on with everybody, you probably don’t want to say something that makes someone else feel like they’ve offended you, even if they have. But they need to know that there is a boundary that you are not willing to cross.
Reply with humour
One way to keep the peace at Christmas and not get into a lengthy discussion about why said question is totally inappropriate and offensive, is to react with lightheartedness.
If someone says to you and your partner, ‘Why are you not married?’, you could always joke that you are keeping your options open. Humour defects invasive questions and helps you move on.
Be open if you want to
Depending on how close you are to the family member and how comfortable you feel with them, sharing what’s going on if you are finding things tough, might feel right to you. After all, they asked.
For example, you might want to say, ‘Yes, we’d love more children – we really hope they come along in the future’, if that’s the case. But never feel pressured to share anything you don’t want to.
Understand their lived experience
Amongst some of the older generations, there’s that belief that unless you tick the box of married with two kids and your own home, your life isn’t working – but it is working, just at a level that’s different from their lives.
It doesn’t excuse them making you feel uncomfortable, but it explains why they do it. It’s perfectly fine for you to push back gently and explain that the way you live your life is perfectly legitimate and works for you.
Focus on what they mean, not what they say
Most people who ask intrusive questions are actually quite well-meaning. What they’re doing is trying to reassure themselves that you are happy. The belief is, ‘Oh, I’ve done a good job, all my kids are married, so I’ve been a good parent’. It’s a way of reassuring themselves they’ve done OK. It seems invasive, but it’s just about reassuring themselves.
What they’re really asking is, ‘Are you OK?’ and that’s actually quite sweet. They just don’t have the skills to communicate it as such.
