Hi Dads, it’s time we talked about mental health and suicide.
These are things that we may not want to talk about and may find awkward or uncomfortable to talk about but the numbers show that these are conversations we need to have.
I mentioned numbers so here are some. Over 75% of all suicides are men. 50, Suicide is the single biggest killer of men under 50.
Some more are, 1 in 5, that’s the number of adults dealing with a mental health issue at any one time and 1in 4, that’s the number of adults who will experience suicidal thoughts at some point.
Those numbers may sound scary, and in some ways they are, but they also mean that if you are struggling with your mental health of experiencing suicidal thoughts or ideation that you’re not alone, which is a key thing to remember.
In this article I’m going to share my story, some of the resources out there for men who are struggling, or just want to work on their mental health, steps you can take to take care of yourselves and steps you can take if you’re concerned about someone else.
My Story
My name’s Callum, I’m 33 and dad to a 5 year old girl. If I’m being honest, and it’s important to have honest conversations with mental health, I started properly struggling with my mental health during COVID. This was due to the stress and worry I had around continuing to work during lockdown while my partner was pregnant and considered high risk.
I pushed through during COVID and for the first couple of years after my little girl was born. I would.often feel low and struggle, especially when things weren’t good with my little girl’s sleep.
Things began to get worse in 2023 in the run up to my little girl’s third birthday.
I had been struggling mentally for a while. I struggled to manage my emotions and would often find myself getting worked up and losing my temper and shouting over little things. Afterwards I would crash and feel really low, often feeling the need to punish myself. I had tried previously to seek help through my gp but hadn’t received the support I needed.
As my mental health deteriorated, it began to have an effect on my relationship and most worryingly of all I was worried it would affect my little girl. Because of this I took the step to look for help.
I started attending a local Andy’s Man Club group. This was a huge help as it helped me realize I wasn’t alone in struggling and seeing other guys open up about things that seemed much bigger than what I was struggling with made opening up for me less scary.
A few months after this something had happened the weekend after my daughter’s birthday, I can’t even remember what now, but it was the same pattern where I had lost my temper over something and shouted.
On the Monday my wife told me that my daughter had told her she was scared of me, and this broke me completely.
I had experienced suicidal thoughts on the past but was always able to keep them at bay with arguments of it not being fair to my wife or daughter but something that day broke me and none of those arguments helped anymore. I decided I didn’t want to be here anymore.
Looking back the scariest part was that within a few hours I went from doing dishes and having a panic attack that I didn’t feel safe around knives, to calm and decided that it was fine and what I wanted.
It was a Monday night and in my head I thought if I didn’t go to my club someone might know something was wrong so I thought I’ll go then afterwards I can do what I want to do.
That is the beauty and power of talking. I had no intention of opening up about what I wanted to do that night but when I was handed the talking ball it just came tumbling out of me.
That night was my rock bottom. The guys at Andy’s Man Club listened to how I was feeling and gave me the support to go back to my gp again and push for the support that I needed.
I spoke to my gp, telling them everything and got the support I needed which for me was anti depressants and CBT.
This however wasn’t a quick fix. I also had to put the work in to break the patterns that lead to the issues I was having. It took time and wasn’t easy.
I remember breaking down in my gps office just being so grateful that they had listened to me as in the past I hadn’t felt like they listened to how badly I was struggling. The GP was shocked and replied I shouldn’t need to thank them for that as that should be the standard.
I shared this part not to discourage you from reaching out to their gp but the opposite. It can be hard for guys to reach out for help and based on my experience and that of the guys I speak with in Andy’s Man Club it can often take more than one attempt to get the right support.
It’s absolutely worth persevering though because when you get the right person who offers the right support it can make the difference so keep persevering and don’t be afraid to advocate for yourself.
Some ways to do this include, bringing a friend with you if you feel this will help, writing down what you want to say before going or asking for a different gp of you have had problems in the past with being heard.
Fast forward two and half years and after a lot of work, and a few setbacks along the way I’m pleased to report that I am in a much better place mentally. Andy’s Man Club was a huge support for me and because of that when I reached a better place I took on a facilitator role helping run sessions.
Andy’s Man Club was a huge help for me, but I recognize it isn’t for everyone, and later on the article I’ll be sharing a wide variety of support options available.
Factors that can affect your mental health
Your mental health can be affected by a number of factors. These can be split into two groups, internal and external.
Internal
Internal factors include things like sleep, diet, exercise, genetic predisposition, alcohol and drugs.
External
External factors include things such as, money worries, work issues, relationship issues, feeling a lack of control, child care issues and other life events or changes to your circumstances.
It’s important to be aware of these as often if some of these factors are affecting your mental health or can then lead to issues such as stress, anxiety, depression or others.
It can also lead to things like irritability as if you are already sitting at 80 or 90 percent of your capacity it only takes a little thing to tip you over the edge.
Dealing with the underlying issues can have a huge effect in improving your overall mental health.
Steps you can take for yourself
As Dads our instinct can often be to put everyone else first before taking care of ourselves. It’s hard to fight this instinct but it’s important to take care of yourself so that you can then take care of others.
My favorite thing that I’ve heard countless times is you can’t pour from an empty cup but another classic example of this is putting on your own oxygen mask before helping others with theirs in the airplane safety talk.
Some steps you can take for yourself include;
Talking
This might sound obvious but talking really helps, whether it’s with your partner or a friend , a talking group talking can help to get things off your chest.
Reaching out for help
If you’re struggling, reach out for help. At the bottom of the article there’s going to be a list of support options available. Everyone is different and what worked for me might not work for you but there are a lot of different services out there and you’ll find the one that works for you.
Reaching out to friends or family for support can be a great step too. Often this will surprise you. I remember reaching out to close friends and being really shocked when almost all of them said they’d had similar problems in the past. What surprised me most was at the times when they were struggling they all said they were fine
Don’t wait until you’re in crisis to take action
If you’re reading this and you are at a crisis point it’s never too late to get help. But you don’t have to be in crisis to reach out for help, much like physical health, taking action early can help deal with issues before they become major problems and taking preventative action is a lot easier than leaving it til you’re at breaking point.
Actions you can take if you’re worried about someone else.
Ask them how they’re doing
Again this might sound obvious but sometimes it can be as simple as asking how they’re doing and if they say fine take a beat and ask again, how are you really doing.
Often the simple act of asking again can show them that you care and really want to know and can lead to them opening up.
Don’t be afraid to have open and honest conversations
If you have concerns that someone you know may be considering suicide don’t be afraid to ask them, have you been having suicidal thoughts?
This won’t be putting ideas on their head and these conversations can save lives.
If they do open up you don’t need to jump in and you don’t need to be able to fix everything. It’s often just a case of listening, letting them know you care and that they’re not alone.
Crisis Support Available
If you are in crisis or experiencing suicidal thoughts you can reach out to NHS or Samaritans 24/7
NHS contact info may vary based on area of the UK.
https://www.samaritans.org/
Other support Options
Andy’s Man Club
offer free peer to peer talking groups every Monday 7-9pm
https://andysmanclub.co.uk/
CALM
CALM offer a number of services. They have a helpline, love chat and Whatsapp for urgent help. They also offer practical guides and an app with useful tools
https://www.thecalmzone.net/feeling-suicidal
Reasons to stay is a site that gives visitors letters sent in to encourage them to stay another day.
Other services may vary depending on your area.
Hub of hope can provide a lost of all the services in your area based on the type of support you’re looking for.
https://hubofhope.co.uk/
Physical activity can also help with mental health and help maintain healthy mental health. This may be the gym, walking or running either solo or in a group. Again it’s just about keeping trying until you find what works for you.
