🚗 45 Fantastic(ly Bad) Car Puns and Dad Jokes That’ll Drive Everyone Round the Bend

Warning: These jokes may cause wheel groans and sudden acceleration of eye rolls.

Whether you’re stuck in traffic, teaching your teen to drive, or just waiting outside the school gates with 4 minutes of peace—car jokes are fuel for the dad soul.

So buckle up, check your mirrors, and prepare for the cringiest, punniest, most gear-grinding ride through the world of car humour. Let’s get tyre-diculously funny.

🛞 Engine-IUS Openers

1. I used to be indecisive…
   But now I drive stick and let the car choose.

2. Why did the car apply for a job?
   It wanted to quit idling.

3. My car is great at telling jokes.
   It really exhausts me.

4. I told my tyres a joke once.
   They were wheely into it.

5. I bought a new hybrid.
   It runs on petrol and… sheer disappointment.

🚦 Traffic-Stopping Puns

6. My car and I are in a long-term relationship.
   We’ve been through a lot—bumper to bumper.

7. I didn’t want to take the roundabout way…
   But it was the only circle of trust left.

8. Every time I see a traffic jam, I think:
   “This is nacho average commute.”

9. Red lights are just stop signs that believe in themselves.

10. My car GPS has commitment issues.
    It’s always recalculating.

🧼 Clean(ish) Car Humour

11. Why did the car blush?
    It saw the handbrake.

12. My wipers are like me in an argument—
    Dramatic, squeaky, and not very effective.

13. I took my car to the car wash.
    Now it won’t stop braking down emotionally.

14. If my car were a person, it would be passive-aggressive.
    Always stalling when I’m in a rush.

15. My exhaust pipe said something rude the other day.
    I told it to muffler up.

⚙️ Gear Up for These

16. I named my car “Trevor.”
    No reason. He just looked like a Trevor.

17. I don’t speed—I just drive really passionately.

18. Why did my car break up with me?
    It felt like I was taking it for granted… not granite. That’s a rock joke. Never mind.

19. My brakes are like toddlers.
    They only work when they feel like it.

20. Driving a manual car is like raising teens.
    It’s a lot of clutching, stalling, and shouting.

🏎️ Fast & the Foolish

21. My midlife crisis arrived…
    So I bought a sports car and immediately pulled a muscle getting out of it.

22. I raced a shopping trolley once.
    It had better alignment.

23. I asked my car if it wanted to race.
    It just rolled its tyres.

24. I don’t drag race.
    But I do slowly pull away from arguments with my partner.

25. The only thing I rev is my oven when I hear dinner’s ready.

🧠 Driving You to Think

26. Why don’t cars ever win arguments?
    They always reverse their point.

27. My steering wheel knows all my secrets.
    It’s heard every “WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS?!” mid-traffic meltdown.

28. I told my car I was feeling low.
    It replied, “Tyre pressure too low. Fix yourself first.”

29. I asked my car for directions.
    It gave me a turn for the worse.

30. “Objects in the mirror are closer than they appear”
    – like your regrets, bad decisions, and unpaid MOT.

🏁 Pit Stop Punchlines

31. What do you call a car that tells bad jokes?
    A Volkswaggon.

32. Why did the wheel get promoted?
    It was always going the extra mile.

33. What’s a car’s favourite music genre?
    Brake beat.

34. My car has a Spotify playlist.
    It’s 40% road trip bangers, 60% tyre screeches.

35. My car’s horn sounds tired.
    Probably because I keep tooting my own horn.

🚘 Final Lap (Before You Run Out of Groans)

36. My car battery and I are alike.
    We both need a jumpstart most mornings.

37. What did the car say after its MOT?
    “That was exhausting.”

38. My glovebox is like my brain.
    Full of expired papers and biscuit crumbs.

39. I told my car a joke.
    It stalled for a second, then died laughing.

40. I don’t speed—I just drive with urgency.

41. I asked my son if he liked my new car.
    He said, “It’s alright, but it’s no Batmobile.”

42. The only dashboard warning I listen to?
    “Low snacks.”

43. I drive a lot slower now.
    Not for safety—just to finish podcasts.

44. My car’s satnav told me to go left.
    I disagreed. Now we’re not speaking.

45. Life’s too short to drive boring cars.
    Or make boring jokes. Hence… this list.