Here’s the thing. “How was school?” might be the most asked and least answered question in the country. I teach maths all day, I know exactly what went on in my own lessons, and when Zara and Tobi get in on my weeks I still get the same answers everyone else gets. Fine. Nothing. Can’t remember.
So I read Netmums’ piece from 22 October with more interest than I’d like to admit. They spoke to Stephanie Davies, a psychology and laughter expert who runs a company called Laughology, about why kids clam up about school and what parents can do about it. I’ve also been through what parents say on the forums, and checked it all against advice from YoungMinds, the NSPCC and the NHS. The good news is they mostly agree with each other.
With half term starting on Monday for lots of schools in England and Wales, it’s a decent week to try a few of these while nobody’s rushing out of the door.
Why “fine” is usually just fine
First, it’s normal. A school day is long, loud and full of other people. Plenty of kids come out of the gate with nothing left in the tank, and “how was your day?” asks them to sum up six or seven hours in one go. That’s a big ask for an adult, never mind an eight year old.
One parent on a Netmums Coffeehouse thread passed on something that rang true from where I stand at the front of a classroom. Kids don’t really store up a story of their day for us, because they were there, so to them it’s not news. And when they do tell you something, it tends to be the bit that felt big, like five minutes sat on their own at break, not the rest of the day spent running about with their mates. Worth bearing in mind before you lie awake about it.
Give them a minute before the questions
Davies’ first tip is not to quiz them the second they walk in. Have a laugh, talk about something else, let them eat something. As she put it to Netmums, “We tend to open up when we feel relaxed, connected and psychologically safe.”
Parents on the forums say much the same in plainer words. One mum leaves it until nearly bedtime, when her daughter has calmed down, and then asks properly. Another said the only proper chat she gets is the few minutes in bed with her son, when all the attitude disappears. YoungMinds suggests noticing which time of day your child tends to talk and making room for it. For some kids it’s the walk home. For others it’s 9pm when they should be asleep. Annoying, but there it is.
Ask better questions, and only one at a time
Specific questions are easier to answer than big ones. Davies suggests things like:
- What made you laugh today?
- What deserves a one star review?
- If today was a film, what kind of film would it be?
- What was the most random thing that happened?
She also likes a score out of five. If they say two, don’t fire back “why?”. Ask what would have made it a three. It gets at the same thing without making them explain every feeling.
Then the hard part, for me anyway. Ask one question and wait. If they say “lunch was weird”, try “weird how?” and then stop talking. The NSPCC’s advice lines up here: ask questions that need more than a yes or no, and give them as long as they need without jumping in. Ten questions in a row is an interrogation, however kindly meant.
One Netmums mum had a practical twist I liked. She always asks what he had for lunch, partly to check he actually ate something and whether she needs to make a bigger tea. Show your working, as I tell my Year 9s.
Tell them about your day first
This came up again and again. One parent said her son answered everything with “can’t remember” until someone suggested she talk about her own day first. Went to the office, answered some emails, that sort of thing. She said he’d started telling her about his before she’d even finished.
Davies suggests the same, and says it’s fine to share small stuff, like something you got wrong at work or something that made you laugh. Keep it short though. The aim is a chat, not a twenty minute story about your manager.
Side by side beats face to face
Every source agrees on this one. YoungMinds says most kids find it easier to talk while they’re doing something, and that not having to make eye contact takes the pressure off. Their list is very dad friendly: a drive, a walk with the dog, a kickabout, cooking, a bit of Lego.
Half term is good for this. Peel the potatoes together. Take the long way back from the shop. In my experience the car is the best room in the house, mainly because nobody can walk off.
When they do talk, listen before you fix
Dads are bad at this. I’m bad at this. Your kid mentions a falling out with a friend and you’re already drafting an email to the head.
Davies suggests simply asking, “Do you want my help with this, or do you just want me to listen?” YoungMinds says the same thing in a different way: jumping in with solutions can stop them talking, so listen first, stay calm, and try not to brush it off with lines like “just ignore them”. The NSPCC adds that if you do decide to act, tell your child what you’re going to do, so it doesn’t feel like you’ve gone behind their back.
If your child won’t talk at all
Some kids just don’t, and that’s not a failing on your part. YoungMinds suggests other routes in. Texting each other, even from the next room. A code word or an emoji that means “bad day” without having to explain it. Watching a programme together where a character goes through something similar. And keep turning up in the kitchen or living room, so they know where you are when they’re ready.
If you share care, the week’s news can easily get lost at handover. Zara and Tobi swap houses on a Sunday evening, and I’ve learned to expect a quiet first night back rather than a full report. A short message to the other parent, or a shared note of anything the school has said, saves everyone asking the same question twice. Two homes, one team.
When the quiet is something more
Most of the time “fine” means fine. But it’s worth knowing what’s not normal for your child. The NSPCC’s list of possible signs of bullying includes being afraid to go to school or mysteriously ill every morning, belongings going missing or getting damaged, a dip in schoolwork, changes in eating or sleeping, and becoming withdrawn or losing confidence. No single sign proves anything, they say, but a change that sticks around is worth a word with the school.
The NHS advice on talking to children about feelings says that if a child doesn’t want to open up, let it go for now and try again another time. It also says that if a child tells you something serious and asks you to keep it secret, never promise not to tell, but explain you’ll only tell people who want to help.
If you’re worried, you can talk to your GP or the school. The YoungMinds Parents Helpline is on 0808 802 5544 on weekdays (check their site for the hours). The NSPCC Helpline is 0808 800 5000. And kids can call Childline themselves, free, any time, on 0800 1111.
None of this will turn a grunter into a chatterbox overnight. Some evenings you’ll still get “fine” and a closed bedroom door. But a few small changes add up, and the day they come to you with something big, you’ll be glad the door was already open.
Join the Dadsnet crew
Weekly dad stuff that actually helps. No spam, just the good bits.
