Most bullying advice is written for the parent whose child is on the receiving end. Fair enough. But somebody’s child is doing the bullying, and the call from school or the message from another parent can land on a dad’s phone as easily as a mum’s. Nobody is ready for it.
With Anti Bullying Week starting on Monday 16 November, it’s a good moment to look at the side nobody likes talking about. What the signs look like, what to say, and how to work with the school rather than against it.
Why this is in the news
A clinical psychologist and parenting coach, Dr Jade Redfern, set out the signs that a child might be bullying others in a Netmums piece published on 7 November. Her starting point is worth borrowing straight away. She suggests thinking of a “child who is bullying” rather than “a bully”, because the behaviour isn’t who they are.
Scotland’s anti bullying service, respectme, makes the same point in its guide for parents and carers, calling labels like bully and victim unhelpful when you’re trying to help a child change.
And the timing matters. The Anti Bullying Alliance, which runs the week in England, Wales and Northern Ireland, has picked the theme Break the Silence for 2026. It says more than one in five children report being bullied each year, and that many never tell anyone. Odd Socks Day kicks it off on the Monday.
Signs worth noticing
Here’s the thing. None of these proves anything on its own. Dr Redfern is clear that most of them could just as easily point to anxiety, low mood, or a child who is being bullied themselves. The NSPCC even lists “bullying others” as one of the possible signs that a child is being bullied. So treat these as a nudge to look closer, not a verdict.
- A shorter fuse at home. Snapping at everyone, seeming low, or being grumpier than usual for a few weeks.
- One sided treatment of a younger brother or sister. Squabbling is normal. A pattern where one child keeps humiliating, frightening or bossing the other one around is different.
- Talking a lot about status. Who’s popular, who’s “below” them, who’s in and who’s out of the group.
- A cold way of talking about other kids. Shrugging when someone else is upset, or being harsh about children who seem shy or different.
- “Everyone hates him.” Dr Redfern says this kind of line can spread the blame across a group so nobody feels responsible, and can also show a child is under pressure to go along with it.
- Suddenly hiding the screen. Teenagers want privacy. It’s worth noticing if it’s new, if they seem jumpy about it, or if it comes with other signs. Plenty of bullying happens in group chats, long after home time.
- New stuff or money you can’t account for. It could mean they’re taking things or pressuring others. It could also mean someone is pressuring them.
How to bring it up
Timing and setting do a lot of the work. Dr Redfern points out that children often find it easier to talk side by side, so the car or a walk round the block can be better than sitting them down at the kitchen table. Coram Kidscape suggests a quiet, private moment, explaining what you’ve seen or been told, and then asking for their version in their own words.
Start with what you’ve noticed rather than an accusation. Something like “You’ve seemed a bit fed up lately and I heard something happened with a lad in your class. I’m not cross, I want to understand.” You can be calm and still be clear. If they admit it, the message from every source here is the same: you love them, and it’s not OK to treat someone that way.
Then the harder bit: getting them to see it from the other side. The NSPCC suggests asking how they think the other child feels, and reminding them of a time someone was unkind to them. It also notes that children don’t always realise what they’re doing counts as bullying. A “joke” in a group chat can look very different from the other end.
What might be behind it
Kidscape lists some questions worth asking yourself, honestly. Is your child copying something they’ve seen at school or at home? Are they struggling with confidence? Have they been hurt themselves? Is something going on at home that’s hard for them, like a pet dying, parents arguing or a separation?
That last one is worth a thought for any dad going through a split. It doesn’t excuse anything, but it might explain some of it.
Kidscape also makes a point that’s uncomfortable but fair. Kids watch how the adults around them treat people. How you talk about the ref, the neighbour or your ex in front of them all goes in somewhere.
If the school calls you
It’s natural to feel defensive. But Kidscape’s view is that a school sharing a concern with you has done the right thing.
- Thank them, listen, and write down what’s being said.
- Ask about anything that isn’t clear, and repeat back what you’ve heard.
- Ask what happens next, how both children are being supported, and when you’ll check in again.
- Ask for a copy of the anti bullying policy. According to GOV.UK, every state school must have a behaviour policy that includes measures to prevent all forms of bullying, and parents must be told what it is.
- Hear your child’s side too, at home, once you’ve calmed down.
It’s also worth knowing where the line sits. GOV.UK says some types of bullying are against the law and should be reported to the police, including violence, theft, repeated harassment or threats (online messages count), and hate crimes. Most playground fallouts are nowhere near that.
The weeks after
Behaviour rarely changes overnight, and Kidscape is honest that it takes patience. A few things that help:
- Check in most days, briefly. Not an interrogation, just “how was it with that lot today?”
- Notice and praise the times they’re kind or stick up for someone. The NSPCC suggests praising positive behaviour while still being clear about what you expect.
- Help them put things right if they can, whether that’s an apology or just leaving someone alone.
- If they seem very low, or nothing changes, talk to the school’s pastoral lead or your GP.
Where to get help
The NSPCC helpline is on 0808 800 5000 for adults worried about a child. Coram Kidscape runs a parent advice line for families whether their child is being bullied or bullying others. Childline is free on 0800 1111 for children and young people, any time, and it has advice for kids who are worried about their own behaviour too.
Nobody wants to be the parent having this conversation. But staying calm, listening and working with the school gives a child a far better chance of turning it round than going in all guns blazing. Then keep at it.
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