Written by: Cora Gold
Kids experience big emotions every day. One moment they’re laughing over a game, and the next they’re in tears because a sibling took the wrong toy. While these emotional ups and downs are a normal part of growing up, it can be hard to know what to say and how to help.
Since children need your support to develop emotional regulation skills, the way you respond in these difficult moments can influence how they cope in the future. Here’s how to help your child manage their emotions.
1. Validate Their Feelings Before Offering Solutions
When your kid is upset, the temptation to jump in and fix the problem can be strong. After all, seeing them sad, frustrated or angry is never easy. Before reaching for a solution, though, try validating their feelings first. Validation simply means acknowledging what they’re experiencing without judging or brushing it aside.
A response like, “That sounds really frustrating,” or “I can see why you’re upset,” lets your child know their emotions are real and acceptable. It also gives them permission to feel those emotions fully instead of pushing them away, and shows them that they can trust you with their feelings.
Research suggests that emotional validation can help people persist in the face of frustration. Once children feel heard, they’re usually more willing to calm down and work through the problems together.
2. Help Your Child Name Their Emotions
Many children struggle to manage emotions simply because they don’t have the words to describe them. A child who says they are angry may actually be disappointed, embarrassed, nervous or overwhelmed.
Helping children identify their feelings may help them build emotional intelligence. It gives them a way to understand, recognize and communicate what is happening internally. As kids’ emotional intelligence grows, they may act out less because feelings no longer have to do the talking.
One simple way to do this is by naming emotions as they happen. You might say, “It seems like you’re disappointed that the game ended,” or, “Are you feeling nervous about tomorrow?” As time goes on, your kid may start to connect specific feelings with specific experiences. You can also make emotional vocabulary part of everyday life by:
- Talking about how characters in books or television shows might be feeling
- Discuss emotions that come up during family conversations
- Ask questions like, “Would you feel frustrated if that happened to you?”
3. Show Them Healthy Emotional Regulation
Like it or not, little eyes are always watching. Long before kids learn how to manage emotions independently, they’re learning by observing how their parents model emotional regulation. This doesn’t mean you need to stay calm every second of every day. In fact, it can be helpful for your child to see that adults experience frustration, disappointment and stress too. The valuable lesson comes from what you do with those feelings.
For example, if you’re feeling overwhelmed, you can say, “I’m feeling overwhelmed right now, so I’m going to count to 10 and take deep breaths before I continue.” Moments like this show them that emotions are normal and that there are healthy ways to respond to them. The more often kids see healthy emotional regulation skills in action, the more likely they are to use those same skills when faced with their own.
4. Let Them Play Through Their Feelings
Adults typically process emotions through conversation, while children often do so through play. If your child has ever spent an afternoon building a fort after a stressful day or transformed into a superhero after a disagreement with a friend, there may be more going on than simple entertainment.
Play gives children a safe way to explore emotions and express feelings they may not yet have the words to describe. It can help them make sense of situations that feel confusing or overwhelming. Plus, when your kid plays, their brain releases endorphins, serotonin and dopamine. These feel-good chemicals help reduce stress, ease anxiety and promote feelings of happiness and calm.
You can help by providing a safe, supervised space where they can build, create, role-play or engage in sensory activities.
5. Teach Simple Breathing and Mindfulness Exercises
When emotions take over, logic tends to leave the room. You’ve probably experienced it yourself. When you’re stressed, it can be hard to think clearly. The same things happen to your little ones, except they have even fewer tools to deal with those feelings.
You can help them manage by teaching simple breathing and mindfulness exercises. A 2022 study indicates that mindfulness practices for both children and caregivers can support self-regulation and help create emotionally healthy environments at home.
The trick is to keep things playful. Asking your child to take deep breaths may not sound exciting, but pretending to inflate a giant balloon or cool down a steaming bowl of soup usually gets a much better response. These techniques may help them reconnect with their bodies when emotions start running high.
You can also turn mindfulness into a game. Ask them to become a detective and search for five things they can see, four things they can touch and three sounds they can hear. This helps move their attention away from overwhelming emotions and back to the present.
6. Create a Calm-Down Toolkit Together
Every child is different. What helps one child calm down may not work for another. Creating a calm-down toolkit gives your child a collection of strategies to use when emotions feel overwhelming.
The process should be collaborative, so talk to your kid about the activities that help them feel better when they’re upset, stressed or overwhelmed. Their toolkit might include coloring supplies, favorite books, calming music, sensory toys or a journal. You can also include cues for movement-based activities such as stretching and walking.
Having these options readily available can make it easier for them to choose a healthy coping strategy when emotions run high. Just as importantly, the process can help kids become more aware of what works for them.
7. Praise Emotional Effort
Some people struggle with emotional neglect because their parents, intentionally or unintentionally, dismiss or punish the expression of negative emotions. It’s easy to praise your child when they get good grades, sports achievements or complete chores, but not so much when they’re expressing their feelings.
When your little one takes a deep breath instead of yelling, uses a coping strategy during a difficult moment or calmly explains how they feel, make a point of recognizing that effort. Positive reinforcement helps them understand that expressing emotions in healthy ways is valued.
You can say, “Thank you for telling me that you were upset about turning off the TV to do your schoolwork. I understand why you felt frustrated. It’s not always easy to stop doing something fun, and I’m proud of you for talking about it calmly.” This acknowledges both the emotion and the healthy way they express it.
8. Be Patient With Your Child and Yourself
Learning emotional regulation skills takes time. Even adults have moments when emotions get the better of them, so it’s unrealistic to expect your kid to master these abilities overnight. Remember that there will be setbacks, but that doesn’t mean progress isn’t happening.
Patience is also important for you. Parenting through emotional moments can be challenging, and there will be times when you wish you had responded differently. However, it’s important not to focus on your mistakes but to view them as opportunities to learn and adjust.
Big Feelings, Small Steps
With patience, practice and support, your child can develop the confidence to manage difficult emotions without becoming overwhelmed by them. The skills they learn now can support stronger relationships, better communication and greater resilience throughout their lives.
